Penis enlargement

I am baffled by the number of ads I get in my email for penis enlargement pills and therapies. I am baffled because I enlarge my penis almost every day and it is very simple. All you need to enlarge your penis is an erection. When you have an erection your penis gets bigger and turns the other way up. It can inflate to about six times its normal size. Not bad, I reckon, and no expensive drugs involved.

Yes, a simple erection will rapidly enlarge my penis to a handy size, if you’ll pardon the choice of words, and is in a state where I can use it in a number of different ways. I can use it, for example, as a substitute banana if the fruit bowl is looking depleted. It makes a useful plunger for clearing blocked sinks. You can prop open windows with it and make tents. If you should find yourself in a riot, you can use it as a baton. It’s also quite convenient for cleaning the wax out of the ears of elephants.

An erection has the advantage of speed and portability. If you order pills, you have to get out the credit card and wait for about two weeks for them to arrive, if they ever do. An erection you can have straight away with only the slightest manual effort.

And of course, if you don’t have a penis of your own, you can borrow mine.

Definitely sausages for tea today.

Fauré

Listening to Mozart last night: Mass in C minor. I tell you, he has class that Mozart. I bet he can tell his Bordeaux from his claret. Pure class. I suppose that’s why they call it classical music.

Poulenc for tea.

Satisfied

I had sex today. Not a lot of sex, just a bit. Well, it turned out there wasn’t that much in the bag.

It was packaged in that slightly deceptive way that suggested you were going to get a biggish portion, but when you get the wrapping open you find that it’s mostly air inside.

At least the bag had SEX in big letters on the side. That’s how I knew what I was getting.

Because of the sex, there was no need for sausages at tea time today.

Incredibly funny joke

I’m not saying my dog smells awful, but he’s got no nose.

Self sacrifice

I must make a note to nurture the little Tamagotchi® in my soul.

Fishism

Dear Blog,

Those voices in my head are speaking to me of sex with fish. Of course, a fish is a Freudian image of a post-coital penis. And a halibut is a Freudian image of a post-coital penis that has been run over by a bus.

The voices also talk of Republicans as if tormenting me with memories of the demise of Picasso’s halibut. During the Spanish Civil War the fish was confronted by Franco himself. George Bush is, of course, a close personal clone of General Franco. Franco demanded of the fish ‘Are you a Republican?’ and the fish stared back at him with those fishy, unblinking eyes and flexed its gills a little, which is, of course, fish speak for ‘No way, Jose’.

‘You can’t fool me by denying it! I know you’re not a Republican, you slippy slappy thing!’ barked the General and had the halibut promptly shot.

‘You will shoot this progressive halibut promptly at the eleventh hour. And don’t be late.’

And so it came to pass that Picasso painted his massive Fishist monument to the horror of being on time for anything, known to posterity and all those who turned up later as Halibut. The name halibut is of course significant for being the Spanish word for halibut. Sadly the painting was blown to smithereens in the Fascist air raid on Guernica.

With those ghosts exorcised, sleep well, sweet Blog.

Society decays

I noticed today that the trees are covered in twigs and leaves. That’s what comes from being outside all the time. The council should invent a tree brush and tidy them up a bit.

Sausages for tea.

Television

I saw a cloud today.

Sausages for tea.

banananananananas

How many uses for bananas are there? I can think of a few.

• mimikaki for people with large ears
• if tied to the bottom of feet they are a cheap alternative to roller blades by virtue of the slippy quality of banana skins
• a crutch for a small person
• a device for cleaning around the U-bend in toilets
• a neck support for passengers on long haul flights
• a stirrer for your tea
• a friend to talk to
• using advanced laser technology, a banana could be a device for storing huge amounts of information such as a novel like War and Peace: using clever mathematical formula you can encode War and Peace as a single long number: using clever laser technology you measure the exact mid point of the banana, then convert your number code for W&P to a fraction of one, and burn a line exactly that fraction of a centimeter from the mid point of a banana, and voila, you have the entire contents of W&P stored on a banana
• a non-returning boomerang
• a dug-out canoe for mice
• artificial chonmage
• a lump in your pocket
• prosthetic fingers for amputees
• snorkel for people who don’t do their snorkelling under water
• vegetarian sausages

A nice cup of tea

Of all the stupid things people say, one of the most stupid is ‘Would you like a nice cup of tea?’ I mean, what is nice doing in that sentence? It’s the sort of thing daft old grannies like to say. ‘Ooh! Let’s have a nice cup of tea.’

So I went round to my Gran’s the other day and I said, ‘How’re you doing Gran?’ and she said, ‘All right, you know, considering.’

She’s dead, my Gran, but she takes great care of herself, you know what I mean?

So she says ‘Come in, sit down. Would you like a nice cup of tea?’

I thought to myself, ‘God, if I hear that one more time …’ But I said, ‘No thanks, Gran I’m all right.’

Then she said, ‘Would you like a horrible cup of tea?’

I thought for a moment. ‘How horrible? Without sugar?’

‘Without sugar. And I’ll spit in it.’

‘Nah, I’m not too bothered, thanks, Gran.’

‘I’ll put some spiders in. No sugar, spit, and spiders. And I’ll make it with toilet water.’

‘Aye, all right then. Cheers.’

‘And how about some nuclear radiation?

‘Nuclear radiation?’

‘Nuclear radiation. I’m got some yellow cake.’

‘Now you’re talking, Gran. Champion!’